I hit my dating low the day I asked a man this question: “What would your last partner say is your biggest flaw?” I didn’t realize I was setting him up to fail. Because as he responded with genuine vulnerability about something his ex didn’t like about him, I began to emotionally disengage the more he shared.
What I didn’t understand then, that I do now, is my fearful-avoidant attachment style tendencies had me using people's flaws to justify walking away, because anyone with fearful-avoidant tendencies struggles to tolerate uncertainty. Yet relationships – especially in the dating phase – are all about uncertainty!
Flash forward: Six more years of dating (hell), and I still struggled to connect with anyone. Over 300 dates and I’d either turn myself off by focusing on small imperfections, or I’d get quickly attached and put people (inappropriately) on pedestals that couldn’t sustain.
Dating offered me a mirror to see just how utterly disconnected I was from my own needs. It made me realize how much I wanted to connect and yet was simultaneously terrified of real connection.It allowed me to see how much I struggled to stay present for a new relationship when my anxiety would surface.
And my anxiety would always surface.
Barely a few months into our relationship, the urge to run suddenly hit me hard. The deeper we went, the more exposed I felt. The more exposed I felt the more anxiety and shame stirred in me. The more anxiety and shame stirred, the more I blamed and criticized and pushed my partner away.
Fortunately, I had been diving deep into Attachment Theory at this time, which helped me see what was really going on more clearly. Thus I was able to have more compassion for myself. Thus I was able to make more sense of my story.
I still had to get in touch with my disowned needs and actually begin verbalizing them. I still had to assess my new partner’s willingness and capacity to dance with me in ways that met both our needs. And I had to manage a few unrealistic expectations I had that were merely coverups for my fearful-avoidant attachment style tendencies. Of course, I also had to learn about other people’s sensitivities and attachment style needs, too, because relationships aren’t just about me. I was so used to protecting myself, focusing on my own fears, that I often forgot how scared other people were.
Over the last few years, I’ve also been exploring how attachment styles affect friendships, too. I’ve noticed how my own fears of losing connection to friends have also prevented me from expressing my needs in friendships, too.
This has helped me practice the same attachment-based skills I teach others within my friendships, as well. Sadly, some relationships have indeed come to an end as a result.
For as I’ve learned to understand my needs better, and communicate them with love and respect, some people simply haven’t been willing (or able) to meet me in this new place. Yet making space for grief, and for deep honesty with myself about my needs, has created profound growth within me.
Learning about attachment theory isn’t just for romantic love. It’s for all kinds of relationships. Understanding your attachment tendencies can serve your dating adventures, your long-term relationships, your friendships, even your work relationships, too.
All relationships can be a source of great pain and frustration when we are ignorant of the deeper dynamics within. And they are great sources of joy and fulfillment when we learn how to navigate them with clarity and understanding
"The attachment system is essentially a radar that's constantly surveying for the safety and security of relationships. You're doing this all the time unconsciously and especially in romantic relationships, and so are your partners."
"I am so truly happy to have come across Silvy and her powerful work. Many things have been surfacing for me that I am so grateful to now be present to. It feels so expansive. At times quite painful, of course, but with that comes humbleness, more space, acceptance! I really resonate with Silvy’s style of communication and expression. I feel I can really integrate what she is sharing after giving it thought on how it relates to my experience directly. It’s very practical and beautifully crafted. I’ve been feeling really reflective on this work. Thank you, thank you, thank you Silvy."
FOUR WEEKS of guided video lessons, worksheets, exercises, and scripts to practice your new skills, meditations, and affirmations to help you integrate the right energy needed to open up any blocks, and many more resources to help you along your journey to secure relationships.
WEEKLY Check-in Videos with Mark Groves - hear his thoughts and insights!
TWO live Q&A sessions with Silvy on Sept 16 + 30 at 12 pm Pacific / 3 pm Eastern. You can submit your questions in advance + they will be recorded if you can't make it!
Coaching support in the comments along your journey from Create The Love coach Nick Solaczek.
IN PARTNERSHIP WITH:
I’m a bridge between the academic and the human, inviting people to explore the good, bad, downright ugly, and beautiful sides of connection. All. The. Things. I’m an emotional translator, empowering people to give words to their feelings, step into courage, and create a life + love they’ll look back on with a resounding “f*ck yes.
Most of all, I’m a human being. I just happen to say most of the things that people tend to keep to themselves.
"When I finally learned about Attachment Styles it was like a lightbulb went off… All of these emotional behaviors I couldn't make sense of, suddenly made sense. Why do we chase unavailable people? Why do we start to feel like we’re going crazy if someone doesn’t text back?
I asked Silvy, the best teacher I know on Attachment theory, to build this course full of tools, insights, and actionable wisdom so you can have the same transformational change that I did.”
❤️ Mark Groves
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
This course is a self-study course and is designed to be explored over the course of 4 weeks, but you can take your time and do it at your own pace. We estimate that it will take you 2-4 hours of work weekly, as some weeks may require deeper excavation than others and can take longer. Take your time!
Create The Love's courses are powered by Kajabi. You can access kajabi anywhere, anytime from a computer or mobile device. You can download the Kajabi app here for iPhone or Android.
You can get started right away! As soon as you purchase, you will have access to week 1 of the course. A new week of content will open up for you every 7 days.
We guarantee that you will have access to the course content for 12 months on Kajabi. You will be able to download the audio files of the lessons, worksheets, and all other documents that we provide for you so that you can continue to have access anytime you want to revisit the coursework after your 12-month Kajabi access has ended.
Here's what we believe: this work, works—if you do it. But, we understand that life is not linear, and that our courses may not be a good fit for everyone, or that life happens and sometimes we need a hand. With that said, we have a 14-day refund policy and you can request a refund here.
Yes! Each of the lessons that feature a video or meditation will have a downloadable audio version in the Downloads section, and you can view Closed Captioning on the videos in English.
You will have 12 months of access on the Kajabi platform + everything is fully downloadable so you get to keep the content forever!
WE ASKED SILVY:
"The way Silvy presents boundaries, attachment styles, and communication skills has really changed my perspective. I'm making improvements in my life that I didn't know were even possible before."