Dating offered me a mirror to see just how utterly disconnected I was from my own needs. It made me realize how much I wanted to connect and yet was simultaneously terrified of real connection.It allowed me to see how much I struggled to stay present for a new relationship when my anxiety would surface.
And my anxiety would always surface.

"When I began a committed relationship with my current partner, I thought I’d finally cracked the relationship code. I felt so happy, so connected, so much alignment with him. But then I hit a wall. "

Barely a few months into our relationship, the urge to run suddenly hit me hard. The deeper we went, the more exposed I felt. The more exposed I felt the more anxiety and shame stirred in me. The more anxiety and shame stirred, the more I blamed and criticized and pushed my partner away.

Fortunately, I had been diving deep into Attachment Theory at this time, which helped me see what was really going on more clearly. Thus I was able to have more compassion for myself. Thus I was able to make more sense of my story.

I still had to get in touch with my disowned needs and actually begin verbalizing them. I still had to assess my new partner’s willingness and capacity to dance with me in ways that met both our needs. And I had to manage a few unrealistic expectations I had that were merely coverups for my fearful-avoidant attachment style tendencies. Of course, I also had to learn about other people’s sensitivities and attachment style needs, too, because relationships aren’t just about me. I was so used to protecting myself, focusing on my own fears, that I often forgot how scared other people were.

FRIENDSHIPS & ATTACHMENT

Over the last few years, I’ve also been exploring how attachment styles affect friendships, too. I’ve noticed how my own fears of losing connection to friends have also prevented me from expressing my needs in friendships, too.

This has helped me practice the same attachment-based skills I teach others within my friendships, as well. Sadly, some relationships have indeed come to an end as a result.

For as I’ve learned to understand my needs better, and communicate them with love and respect, some people simply haven’t been willing (or able) to meet me in this new place. Yet making space for grief, and for deep honesty with myself about my needs, has created profound growth within me.

"The friendships that have remained feel different, deeply aligned, and genuinely fulfilling."

Learning about attachment theory isn’t just for romantic love. It’s for all kinds of relationships. Understanding your attachment tendencies can serve your dating adventures, your long-term relationships, your friendships, even your work relationships, too.

All relationships can be a source of great pain and frustration when we are ignorant of the deeper dynamics within. And they are great sources of joy and fulfillment when we learn how to navigate them with clarity and understanding

🤍 Silvy